one might say we're banned from that church
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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