I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this boner is exhausting
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
