No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just cropdusted the office
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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