Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
