hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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