he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
