Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
