I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
