Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
