thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
