I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
