Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
