i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
