if i can run in heels then i can drive
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
