im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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