i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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