if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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