Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
