I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
