he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
