What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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