maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
handjob tips. give me some.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
