I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
