whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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