Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
