Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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