Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
