maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
