Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
