It's like God shit irony all over that family
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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