Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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