You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
