Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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