i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We left the knife in your bed.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
