2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
