Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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