nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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