i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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