you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
should my penis look like a turkey
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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