My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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