I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Randomize
