Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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