I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
