$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
my being single is dangerous.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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