There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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