I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
