If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
