3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
