ugly people sure do ruin things
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
