Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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