remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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